I found myself, my authentic self at the bottom of a very deep hole that I was stuck inside. It was my fears and insecurities about the failure I kept having, rather than the failures themselves, that held me down in that hole.
I’m not an authority on spirituality, transformation or succeeding in life by any means nor am I the success now that I will be in the future. But I think that if we don’t share our insights in the most vulnerable of ways than the connections we mean for these insights to have are often lost in the endless scrolling of social media.
Anyway what I’m aiming to walk you through is this: our fears and worries about our lives are causing the fears themselves to come true. If all you think about in your stress-filled morning is the thing you’re stressed about, the fear will manifest and what you’re afraid will happen WILL happen.
Like the universe is selectively hearing what you’re saying. You say “I can’t take this anymore” and what you ultimately experience is more of the same.
I worried almost constantly about not making enough money in the salon for almost 2 years following the close of the original Rock Paper Salon. Worried that I wouldn’t be busy enough to support my family. Well guess what. We lived just under the poverty line almost that entire time. Bills were late, Water turned off, meals purchased with every last dime. And all I kept saying is, “I’m so worried I’ll never make it out of this.”
I was worried that I wasn’t making my wife happy and that I wasn’t spending time with my kids and guess what? I kept finding things to do that didn’t involve my kids. And I justified it as “needing to get done” and that I’d spend time with the kids after.
And my wife and I were fighting all the time. I couldn’t see the forest for the trees and let me tell you, the trees were on fire. Every action I took burnt away a little bit more of our relationship until I couldn’t even see her unhappiness. I had so convinced myself that I wasn’t making her happy, that I couldn’t make her happy, that I all but gave up trying.
And buried amidst the scorched earth that those trees left behind were the embers of the worst decisions I’d ever made. Yet I made them because hurting myself was more relevant than what I was doing to the kids and to my wife. That’s when we lost the baby. And then the flames built back up and swept across more of that forest. They burned so hot and so strong and from that came the affair.
We generally regard fire as a light-giving element. The fires that were burning just then engulfed me in a blackness that I’d never felt before. Searing flesh, charred mind and complete, malice-driven self annihilation. When I emerged on the other side it was nothing short of a miracle.
There was very little of me left and I fell at the feet of my family and asked for forgiveness that I knew I didn’t deserve. And by the grace of the God I didn’t yet know, like a phoenix I rose.
Like the moment of creation over again, we were new. The kids had love and joy in their hearts, my wife and I lie next to each other, holding each other, and whispering that everything was going to be ok.
I still carried the same worry. It was like my shadow. Always with me, never taking any action, save for the clinginess and unrelenting reminder that I am still not free of it.
It would still be months before I was saved. And though every day is a struggle, I take comfort in this:
Matthew 6:34 says “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own”
So I stopped worrying. Like I said 14 paragraphs ago when this tale was getting started, I was at the bottom of a hole. A deep, unforgiving hole. I literally said to myself, “What the fuck am I doing? I’m so busy stressing about the stress of stressing about things that are stressful that I haven’t stopped even for a second to think of how the hell to fix it. This is the stupidest shit ever and I’m done!”
And just like that I let it go. Well really it was still there, just like that shadow. But rather than stress, I plotted and planned what I could do to remedy my discomfort. To cleanse my skin of the dirt befallen me in the hole. To heal my skin, my mind and my soul of the burns left behind from the blaze of malcontent that I released upon myself.
I look to God to handle the shit I can’t control. I write out my worries, my fears, my “I can’ts” and my “It’ll nevers” and especially my “I’m not good enoughs”
And you know what happened? I had to close what was left of Rock Paper Salon and go to work for someone else. (That sounds like a bad thing but stay with me)
The salon I’m in now has an overwhelming air of positivity. Clients I hadn’t heard from in months started calling me for appointments. Referrals from current clients as well as random “found your work online” referrals started happening. I started getting a weekly paycheck that covered not one but all the bills. They left us with nothing extra, but having no extra isn’t as bad when you’re not underneath anything either. Even my instagram was getting more engagement.
(@theadamsculnick if you’d like 😏)
Here’s what this all boils down to for you. You just have to let go of the worry. Let go of the stress. Tell yourself you are worth the abundance. Worth the happiness, the prosperity. The growth, the freedom. You are deserving of all your wildest dreams.
Say that out loud.
Say it to yourself. Say it in your prayers. Say on your drive to work in the morning and while your eyes are closing against your pillow at night. Let the universe hear you and the shift will begin. I say this not because I read it somewhere, but because I’ve experienced it first hand and continue to every day.
You are worth your weight in gold. Worth all the stars in the sky. Worth the love honor and respect of the world and those who live in it.
You are meant to thrive. So get your face the heck out of this screen and make shit happen.